Thursday, August 23, 2012

Food for thought

I'm thinking about revamping my blog a bit... New title, more order, and a little more postings. Sound good?

Haha anyway, I just started school again and it's been interesting. I've been trying to make kind of a schedule for myself and trying to work my schedule around God rather than working God into my schedule. And I thank Joyce Meyer for that little tip.

Since I've started giving up things to God -- you know, the day I accepted Him as my Savior -- more and more things come up that I used to keep shoved down, like WAY down. Recently, as you may know, it's been an eating disorder. I've been trying, and many times succeeding, in letting Him take the reins.

It's only been like a week since I went "public" with this issue, but so far, I don't regret it. At all. I've had so much love and support from my friends, close and not-as-close. I've even had some girls that I'm not close with at all confide in me and ask to help each other out! It's been incredible. But here's the thing: last time I started trying to lose weight, this same thing happened and within a month or two I backslid big time. I'm terrified of that happening again, but somehow, I know it won't.

The difference with this time versus last time is this isn't about me anymore. It's about glorifying God with my health and body. The benefits go way beyond anything I can imagine. I mean, I know the earthly side effects of losing weight: less arthritis pain in my knees, less back pain, more energy, and the list goes on. But I'm beginning to wonder, what about the Heavenly rewards? I mean, I'll never really know until my judgement day, but isn't it kind of exciting to think about? Then I think about how many people do I run into on the street, tell them something that was COMPLETELY because of God, but not mention His name in the story and just scoot around it?

I don't want to do that. My prayer request with this slightly random post is that I would actually use His Name. That I would be BOLD and not fear the judgement or questions that come along with God.

Last summer I was told I was very bold when it came to people and my outgoingness was part of that. Since then I've realized that while I may be bold and take charge often, I feel as small as a mouse when talking about God. I'm always afraid of people judging me or of people thinking I'm judging them. None of that should matter, though. It's all for God right?

Pray with me as I attempt to be bold and open about my struggles, not just with food but the struggles of life that envelope me daily.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so we can.
--Maggie Mae

PS-
Since my last post, I have sought accountability as I said I would. I've told a dear friend my weight and we've decided to weigh every other week on a Monday. My next weigh-in is this upcoming Monday, Aug 27.

PPS-
I couldn't wait til Monday and wanted to make sure I was on the right track. Since last Thursday I've lost two pounds. God is FAITHFUL. Crazy right? =)

Thursday, August 16, 2012

One Month Sugarfree...um help?

One of the things my counselor has consistently told me was to cut out sugar. See, natural sugars like fructose (found in fruit) is more likely to give you energy then to turn to fat...I think.

And when you eat processed sugar, you're body will begin to crave it. Just like when you eat a bunch of one thing that's low on the glycemic(sp?) index your body craves it and there's this crazy cycle that I can't really explain..haha

So my counselor has been suggesting that i cut out all sugar and things that are really processed. Well, tomorrow starts day 1 of my friend's and I's month of no sugar. It's kind of terrifying and I already feel my body rejecting the idea...but I think it'll be good. I'm gonna get lots of nuts, whole wheat breads, fruits, veggies, etc.

If your body is craving sugar...does it really care what sugar it gets? Or when you crave it does your brain just say "Oh there's that familiar sugar craving..chocolate has sugar. Eat that and we'll be fine."  or is it like "SUGAR CRAVING! CHOCOLATE! MUST EAT IT!" Hmm..I'm thinking it's more towards the latter...but reason and God are gonna start breaking through with my brain and when I have that disgusting craving for bad foods..I'm going to try something different.

Oh the Lord knows He's gotta help me..I know He's probably sitting on His throne just laughing up a storm knowing how much I'm going to HAVE to rely on Him and His guidance. Pray that I actually DO rely on Him..and that I don't give in to the enemy's lies about "If you have a craving, you must satisfy it."

Oh and this is too rich to not share!

I'm literally about to leave and go grocery shopping. Well, I didn't have ANYONE to go with. And I really wanted that support because I'll see something and just grab it. Well...I'm gonna have a budget and now within 20 minutes  FOUR people are coming with me now! hahahhaa! All of whom know and love and support me and my weightloss/disorder.

HA! God is SO fun =)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so WE can.
--Maggie Mae

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Returning to Vulnerability

It's about time I really focus on what God is telling me, and actually DO what He says.

For months..like six or seven..God has been pushing me to be vulnerable. It's never a fun thing to do, and I was only truly vulnerable for about one month right after I dropped out of school. Since then, I've let my heart harden again to what people might think of me...or rather I've let my heart become BURDENED by what people might think of me instead of thinking about what God thinks of me.

I've learned so much over the past ten months. I've learned about people. I've learned about myself. I've learned about friendships, love, life, God....

Around July of last year I was in an internship and one week we went through a crash course in the 12 steps program. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have another addictive behavior...one habit that is just as unhealthy as being addicted to cocaine...

At first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that I had control. I wanted to believe that I didn't have an issue this big. I didn't want to believe I was unhealthy in every aspect: Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically.

My addiction? Food. It's not just a "You're addicted to 'x' in food," it's the kind of addiction to the feeling I get from eating food. There are a few names for it: Over compulsive eater, Chronic dieter, Over eater...

It sucks...more than you could know. I don't want to compare addictions or disorders, but sometimes I do wish it was something else. I wish I could just give it up..but I can't just NOT eat...that's a totally different disorder in and of itself.

I found out...realized...accepted it back in December or January. Since then I have been intermittently seeing a counselor, she's wonderful and very understanding and good about getting to the deeper issues because for me, it's not about the food or the calories. Losing weight would be super easy if that were really the issue. I know how to count calories, exercise, and eat healthy things.

I have a protection complex. Somewhere in my past, I decided that I had to protect all my loved ones. I'd let their problems weigh on me. If I couldn't protect someone, somehow I decided I'd protect myself from the world by packing on weight and these layers of fat called pounds. It doesn't make sense, I know. But somehow, if I can't protect someone I care about, I protect myself from having whatever problem I failed to protect them from (i.e. judgement, bullying, the blame falling on others, etc).

I'm obese. Some of the people I know wouldn't believe that (or maybe I just want to think that haha) but I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I would always be toned like I was when I played soccer. Well, that definitely has changed. I have a tummy now. I have little definition in my legs. My boobs don't look like real boobs..they look like fat boobs. I have a double chin. I have a backside rather than a butt. Rolls and dimples and just...stuff like that.

I had a friend who lost almost 100lbs in one year. I couldn't figure out how she did it! I lost 4lbs one week....she lost like 10 and I was just so jealous and saw her being vulnerable with people, decided I didn't want to be vulnerable like that...didn't want to give God the glory...didn't want it to be HIS body...it was mine..my body...

Then it hit me one day. I was at work and thinking, "This just..this doesn't feel like me. This body doesn't FIT Maggie Mae." God broke through then and said straight to my heart, "That's because it's not the body that fits Maggie Mae. It's not the body I want for you, not the body you could glorify me best in."

That hurt. Conviction was like a slap in the face, a stab straight into my heart.... I started working out and praying that God would help me feel loved and protected by Him before I would go to food...then I went on vacation.

Vacation shouldn't have been an excuse, but it was. I sat in a car for miles and miles on a roadtrip and ate fast food.

I'm done now with vacation and I'm done with excuses. I've already prayed about where to go from here. God has shown me a few people with whom to ask for accountability. I don't have money for a program like weight watchers, but I have some loving friends that will pray with me and I will weigh-in bi-weekly IN FRONT OF. Now that...is vulnerability. And I don't want to do it. Even as I type this...I know how hard it's going to be. Overcoming this disorder, getting healthy spiritually, physically, and emotionally so that I can glorify God with the body and mindset He intended for me to glorify Him with.

This blog also gives you the ability to hold me accountable. If you want to, go ahead. If you see me going for that extra whatever at a party, pull me aside and humble my stupid ass! Then pray with me...Pray that I would dig deep to find out what insecurity the devil is playing on to get me to eat....Text me, call me, ask how I'm doing. The more it's spoken, I believe, the more power God has over it. It's been in the dark of my heart for far too long and now it's time to let God shine into this darkness!

I'm changing my tune from "I can," to "GOD can."

My moto has always been,"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can."

But I kept forgetting that I actually have to ask Christ to strengthen me, to rely on Him, and to be vulnerable with Him and allow Him to do what He needs to do through me and for me.

So...please pray for me. Please pray WITH me.

I know I can do this, but only with God.  Only through God. He's the catalyst for this crazy reaction.

Thanks.
I can do all things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS ME, and He DOES, so WE(God and I) can.

--Maggie Mae

Sunday, April 15, 2012

College Fall '12

About six months ago I dropped out of school in order to obey the God I love and serve.

It was the scariest ordeal of my entire 21 years. I was vulnerable. I was dependent solely upon Jesus. I had little money and no job.

Today I have had four jobs. I am still at one and will continue until August.

In August I will return to school.
I know its crazy and doesn't make much sense, but then again what of God DOES make sense to us?


Around the beginning of January I started feeling a pull to go back to school. I was reluctant at first to recognize it as God because hadn't He just told me to drop out? Then I started trying to listen to His voice through the people around me. My parents concerned for my future, supported me but told me school would be beneficial. My sister said I needed experience or a degree. Mentors told me to pray for focus. Friends told me "do what ya gotta do." So, I prayed for focus.

A month later I started doing a little marketing and advertising for a friend of mine's business. When I got him a client the first time, I was thrilled! I loved the rush and couldn't wait to do it again.

That's when I first actually HEARD my sister suggest business. She had been saying I should start my own business or do something like that. I always brushed it off as something she would do but not that I would do, though I knew I could.

Once I heard it, thought about it, and prayed about it, I knew I was going back to school. I'd major in business. It was this crazy "click!" that happened. My mind, heart, and spirit were all in check.

So I started telling people what I was going to do. But the thing was, I still had the same habits and reasons for going back as I started school with: it was expected and seemed like a good plan and I wanted to please everyone.

I went two months without a job, and a HARD two months it was! God provided, though, and I made it through. When I started working again, I got two jobs at once. I hated it.

I hated every minute of having two jobs. One I didn't like and the other I liked but certainly didn't want to spend the rest of my life doing. That's when I started asking questions.

I asked the people I worked with why they worked there. Most answers include something like, "I have to. I have a family to support." And, "I'm a recovering addict. I couldn't get a job elsewhere."

Most planned on only being there a short time, but ended up there for a year or more. It was terrifying to hear. I couldn't imagine working there for more than a few months, much less a year!

I kept asking questions and kept getting the same answers.

Then people at work started commenting on how quickly I picked things up and that I must be a "fast learner." I didn't understand what was so hard about what I was doing. Simple things like "tagging" where you'd find the number of the product, take the tag where it was placed off, and replace it with a new tag. The guy teaching me told me it took him a couple months and that I might have a little trouble with it. When he saw me doing it quickly, he was surprised and, it seemed, a little confused.

I started realizing what my parents meant by wanting more for me then a mediocre job. Not that there is anything wrong with blue-collar jobs. We NEED people to work them. They're what keeps this country running, but everyone has different skills, different abilities that require different amounts of intelligence. Now, in no way am I saying I'm better than any person I have worked with, but I have the opportunity to do more. I have two parents that are supportive and will help pay my way, I have the necessary intelligence to make it, and I have the ability to rise to that challenge. So many of the people that I have met and talked to didn't have that. I have had a complete and total 180 perspective change. Instead of school and class being optional and just school, it's like a job to me now.

See, I don't mind working. In fact, I tend to enjoy it most days, but I certainly don't want to work something I just "don't mind" for the rest of my life, especially when I have the amazing opportunity to get a degree and do something I really enjoy and am good at. So now that I know that, I have motivation. Here's how I see work: you go, you make it through the day and week, you get paid. That's how I see school now. Going to class is work, I make it through, I work through the week, and I get paid with grades.

I think the biggest difference between going back to school now and starting school out of high school is I now know what it's like to make a living and how hard it is. I have a respect-- AN EXTREME RESPECT-- for those that work the jobs that pay minimum wage. I have that same respect for people that hate where they work but do it anyway because they have to.

God has shown me more about the "real world" in the past six months than I have seen my entire life. It's been fruitful in learning how to live on a budget, work somewhere you don't want to but you have to, being responsible, and so many other countless lessons that won't be visible for years to come.

As I was on my way to college almost three years ago I said this very sentence, but today I say it with a different truth and I say it with a conviction like no other, a motivation to go to college and get a degree, and with the full knowledge and confirmation that God has me where I am,

"I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO COLLEGE."

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Passion?

I need a passion.

I am interested in so many different things. I love each and ever interest and I always feel this strange stirring in my heart when I'm doing one of my many hobbies. The problem is I can't honestly say I am passionate about any of them.

Though we are not of this world, we are in it for a short time and with that being said I will have to go back to school to further my career in something in order to provide for my family and what not. But...the problem is I have no true passion. The only passion of mine is to be a mother and to help people. I can't be a mom quite yet (the whole marriage thing has to happen before that) and helping people is something I do on a daily basis but it doesn't pay in cash.

I love gardening and flowers and all that accompanies it. I love learning about things. I love astronomy and physics. I love non-profit organizations. I love business dealings. I love the music business. I love music period. I love art. I love airplanes. I love hard labor (no really, I do.). I love taking care of kids. I love pastoring. I love working at a church. I love being a housemaker. I love cooking. I love baking. I love designing. I love writing. I love cars. I love taking things a part and putting them back together. I love figuring out how things work. I love being inventive. My interests really seem limitless.

I love learning about everything and anything I can, but I don't want to do any of the above as a career. I would feel like I was betraying the others because, you see, I don't love any one more than the other. I could sit at home one day and garden all day and the next be just as happy working on my car. My range of interests does not end and this, this is what makes it SO VERYVERYVERY hard for me to decide what I should go back to school for. I don't want to get a degree just to get a degree. That's stupid and pointless, at least in my opinion. I want my money and my parents' money to go towards something I'm passionate about.

My frustration is endless as I go around in loops trying to find out what I love so much and that could allow me to make money (as unfortunate as it is to need it) and somehow allow me to still learn all the random things of life that I'm so interested in!

If you read this and something strikes you, please, by all means let me know! I am pretty much good at everything, not to sound conceited but I can do almost any job (that doesn't require tons of professional training and school and learning) you put in front of me with just a little training.

I just...want to be passionate about my career. I want to look back on my life the day I retire and say, "Holy crap I have LOVED my life! God was totally glorified because I loved what I did."
I don't want to look back and say, "Well, guess that's it. It was pretty good, if I do say so."

I want to accomplish big things...I just don't know what those things are yet. I'm not okay with mediocre. I serve a BIG God and I want to do BIG things for and with Him.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.
--Maggie Mae

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Consistency!

Three weeks ago now, we started 2012! Yay! And with that new start of a year, comes the infamous new year's resolutions that we all make and forget two or three weeks in.
This year, I decided to make one. Only one. It's a resolution that tends to encompass everything that needs to be resolved.

This year, I resolve to be consistent. It's the one thing I have never done in my life. For as long as I can remember, I would start something, stay with it for a bit, and then it would fizzle out of my life. Being consistent will involve self-control, determination, perseverance, and, well, consistency.

The areas of my concentration so far have been consistently having regular devotionals in the beginning of my days, counting points on weight watchers as closely as I can, housework regularly, and exercising 2-3 times a week. So far, I've been doing rather well!

I have a devotional I found when I was home for Christmas called "365 daily Devotionals: Hearing from God Each Morning" by Joyce Meyer. Each morning for the past two weeks, I have been doing this during or before breakfast. Sometimes, if I wake up later, I take it with me and before I meet with a friend or something I take the three minutes to read it and let it sink in. It's been fabulous! I love that God has something for me in each and everyone thus far. He's so using it!!!

I have been doing the dishes daily and making sure things stay relatively tidy so I don't get overwhelmed when I decide to clean the house. I've also been keeping my room clean and tidy as well as my car.

Weight Watchers makes me really think about what I eat because I have to think about the points of everything. I've been using my weekly points all on the weekend...but I think I'm going to stop that because it's hard during the week and no grace means more intense work outs.

And as far as working out is concerned, I've been trying that this week. I went once last week and once this week. I plan on going tonight. In fact, I'm bribing myself with cookie dough. If I go, I can have a serving of cookie dough...it's my favorite thing.

That's it! Simple consistency.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.
--Maggie Mae