Satisfaction [Not] Guaranteed

Men, you might not want to read this post as it has to do with some lady stuff ;)

Today was really not that great with changing my habits. I wanted so badly to just sit quietly and watch my normal shows on TV, but I couldn't. The overwhelming craving for chocolate fudge was, well, overwhelming! It's PMS week and the cravings are worst then normal. I'm on birth control to help with this kind of stuff, but this time it's just not helping quite as much.

I learned with Weight Watchers that when eating and planning your meals for the day, you need to make sure you're satisfied. I tend to be pretty good at this and learning small things to get better at it. Things like chewing really slow and deliberately. I even told myself earlier while eating the leftovers from the night before for lunch, that my mom would want some and I shouldn't eat it. It worked, but then I ate ice cream and fudge and then a little more fudge. Finally, I got aggravated enough to get off the couch and busy myself. I didn't eat for a good long time and even went walking with a friend(my knee didn't cooperate too well so I don't know how her walk was, but mine was strenuous...ha). I passed on getting a smoothie after, but when we walked out of TJMaxx, a lady was selling "World's Finest Chocolate Bars" for $2 and to help out the youth at her church, or something. I totally caved and bought some chocolate covered raisins. Don't get me wrong, I felt totally guilty, but it was just sooo good! I hate hormones. I may have been able to pass her by had I not had $2 and serious cravings, not to mention my hunger level was increasing.

I was still hungry two hours later when I got home. I wolfed down dinner and wasn't quite full, but I was satisfied for the moment. Then, as I was relaxing, I felt the craving for fudge creep back up. I ate a piece very slowly and forgot the craving for a while. I decided to take a nice long stress-relieving salt bath. It felt good, but I found myself hungry when I got out! I just don't get it! So, I had more leftovers and a glass of milk. Even as I type this I'm trying to convince myself I'm satisfied!

I wish food came with a "100% Guaranteed or your money back!" label. Or that there was a magical satisfaction pill or unsatisfaction thing that you could lose weight with. Yeah, there's lypo-suction, or however you spell it, but I'm not wealthy and can't afford that, or the dangerous and very serious gastric bypass surgeries that shrink your stomach. I just want something that will make me feel full and shut the cravings down right away! I've heard of gum working for some people, but I'm not a big gum person. I really don't know what to do about that. My flesh, literally, controls me more than my mind does. I think,"Don't eat it, you don't need it." But it just doesn't work.

I wish I had hormones that could be controlled better. Maybe I should ask my doctor about them.

Well, ladies and the men that stuck it out, pray for me. Pray my self-control can overcome my hormones for the next 2 weeks!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

Support

Wow! Really just wow! Thank you guys so much for all the support! Really. People I haven't talked to in a while or talk to rarely are telling me they support me and are praying for me! not to mention my closer friends and family!

I really think this support group is gonna help, a lot.

This is gonna be a short entry BC I didn't have time to use a computer so I'm on my cell UT I promised to try at least once a day.
And...I have good news to report. I only ate 2 pieces of fudge today! I know that sounds odd but I have this sweet tooth and that tooth is addicted to chocolate and really likes fudge. My mom made all this fudge over the holidays and I have been eating it. But most of the time I'd take 2 pieces rather than 1 at a time and end up eating 4-6 pieces a day. Today I went to the box twice and took one piece each time. Its part of the "New Habit" thing. I just took one serving and ate it slowly. When it was gone, my sweet tooth craving had been cured. Well....at least for then. I did eat another piece after supper also, but just one. At a separate time. I'm probably addicted to sweets if ya wanna know the truth. But maybe by eating one serving once or face a day rather than two more than once a day, that addiction can be cured.

Also, I exercised. In the morning. Before I did anything else. And...I felt great the rest of the day! Granted my knee hurt a lot (still getting over surgery) but it was worth it and it will, in the long run help my knee out tremendously!

So its been a good start to the week. Keep praying and showing your support. =)

I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.
--Maggie Mae

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New Years//First Weigh-In

I forgot to post yesterday so this is for today and yesterday..

It's 2011 and everyone around me is saying how absolutely wonderful it will be. I have to agree, I feel like it will top 2010 without even trying. Since it's a new year, everyone around me is also making their "new year resolutions." Ever since I can remember my New Year resolution was, "I will lose X amount of weight in this many months." Every year, that would happen, for about a week. I remember hearing once on the radio that anyone with extreme resolutions would break them after about 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS! That's why this year, I'm not making "New Year's Resolutions."

I'm making New Year's New Habits.

Habits are the entire reason why I have gained so much weight over the past few years. When I was overweight in like 6 or 7th grade, the doctor told me if I stayed at that weight, I would be at a relatively healthy weight for the rest of my life. Since then I have gained more than 60lbs. 60lbs in about 7 years. And most of that occurred in highschool. I would eat as I pleased and as much as I pleased.

I've heard before it takes like 21 days to make a habit and God-knows how long to break a habit.

So, here are the habits I plan on breaking:

1. Eating more than one portion at a time/meal

2. Sleeping in everyday//taking a nap everyday

3. watching so much TV

4. not studying

5. not exercising

and by breaking those main 5 habits, I plan on forming the opposite habits:

1. eating one portion

2. waking up no later than 9am 6 days a week//working out instead of napping

3. trying to watch between 2-3 hours of TV a day

4. studying a little everyday

5. trying to get to the gym at least 3x's a week.

Now I know some of this is a little hard to probably start a habit with, but I know it can happen. People have done it before. And, I don't promise to keep to these everyday. I feel like that is completely unrealistic. There will be a day that I can't make it to the gym or watched 4 hours of TV. I will mess up, but hopefully that won't get me down.

My life is no longer a checklist for what good I have done for the day or what bad I have done. I just want to do things without thinking about it.

So, let the habits began! And let my body feel weird if I don't make it to the gym 3x's a week or eat 2 portions of dinner.

So, in closing, I weighed myself today. The first weigh of the new year. The first of 2011. I didn't lost weight. In fact I gained .8lbs. I'm trying really hard not to let that get to me. I know I had 3 parties I went to and ate at all of them and the calorie count was definitely off. But I don't want that to be my excuse every week. I do believe it contributed, but if I had exercised, maybe it would have made a difference. Let's see what happens this week and today.

This is difficult, it always has been. Pray. Pray hard. Don't just pray I lose weight, pray God changes my mindset about food, that He helps me feel full and satisfied. Even pray that He speeds up my metabolism. Those are practical prayers. Thanks. =)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can--NewYears Eve

This is the first actual post for the new journey.

Today was just in general a bad day. Not really calorie wise or anything, that hasn't been bad at all. But right after I ate lunch I came so close to throwing up. I felt so sick. I didn't, thankfully. It was actually kind of humorous. When I started getting that funny feeling right before you throw up the only think I could think about was how gross it would be to throw up what I had just eaten: eggplant parmesan. As gross as it is, I just thought, "What if I didn't chew a piece of the pasta well and it came up..but it wasn't all the way out, like it was stuck in my esophagus but also in my mouth." I wouldn't want to swallow it, but pulling it out of my mouth would be really gross....

Sorry if that was TMI, I found it slightly humorous.

Also, some of my friends have been telling me they're ready to support me. The first comment on the link for this blog was from a friend I hadn't even talked to in a long time. But it was definitely special. I remembered when we were seniors in high school and I had lost a little weight, she was the first person to notice and comment on it and now she was the first person to comment on it. I truly appreciate that.

Tonight I'll be at a party, so I'm praying that I can have self-control. Today, as I said, was a good eating day. I hope I don't ruin it. Prayers with control would be great tonight, if you don't mind.

I guess it's good tomorrow is New Year's. I guess tomorrow's blog will be about New Year's resolutions. One thing I can guarantee is that one of them will NOT be to lose weight. That resolution failed long ago. This year's will be more practical, ways to become healthier and lose weight.

Alright well, I guess that's it for today. Short, but it was today..

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

WeightLoss-I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

Friends, families, whoever else,

I come to you via blog asking for prayers and support. Here's why:

My entire life I have be chubby. As a baby, I was chubby. As a child, I was chubby. All the way through highschool and til now, I have been overweight/chubby/fat/whatever you want to call it. I am actually classified as obese. My bmi(body mass index) is in the higher 30's which is the obese (near morbidly obese) range. Healthy is between 18-20....

I can't stand it anymore. I have done everything from counting calories to weightwatchers. It all worked, as long as I was consistent, but that's the problem. I'm not consistent. It's horrible. I remember in 8th or 9th grade, I lost about 20 pounds, stopped counting the calories and gained 30.

You may be wondering why I'm "going public" with this. Well, I'm sitting here watching "True Life--I'm addicted to Food." These girls they show are big. Really big. And the thing that made me break down and cry, was one girl was only 10lbs more then I. That terrified me.

10lbs is so easy to gain. I don't want to look like that or act like them. I'm constantly tired, I don't want to move, and the scariest thing of all...diabetes runs in my family and the heavier you are, the more you're at risk. Once you get diabetes, you have it for the rest of your life even though losing weight can help in type 2 diabetes, it's always there.

I don't want to be unhealthy anymore. I want to do something about it. So, I'm beginning to count calories. I'm going to try and remain consistent with that and then try to work in exercising consistently too.

It's so difficult. I don't know how it's going to go, but I know it has to change.

All I ask of you is your support. I will write on here at least once a day and talk about my struggles throughout the day, and I will weigh myself on Sundays and post the loss or gain. Granted, the first few days will likely be easier as I've learned in the past. Then I lose weight and that's when it becomes hard to remain consistent. If you see me not writing on the blog for a few days, feel free to challenge me and tell me to post and remain consistent.

I NEED this. I don't want to be obese for the rest of my life. It scares me. So please, pray for me and lend your support. It's okay to ask me about it, but you can expect tears. This is the most difficult thing I will face likely for the rest of my life seeing as its a constant challenge and will be til the day I die.

Thank you for reading. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

God's got it, so you don't have to! Itsn't that lovely?!

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and not a single soul hears me. It's as if I'm trapped, trapped within my own wicked desires of lust and hate. I don't know where I am or where I'm going. All I know is that life is coming. It's coming fast. Yesterday used to be today, now it's gone. All that could have been yesterday is no longer. Only a few hours left of today. I feel like I'm wasting away. Like I can't keep up with my own life.

This is my struggle on some days. Thankfully this frustration isn't often. But tonight, I can't shake the feeling of wanting to escape. I want to leave it all behind, just for a little while, until things become calm enough to see everything as it is, not just this blur of light that whizzes past me in a blur of color and emotion.

It feels like somethings coming, something big. Something I can't comprehend. Perhaps it's the soon-to-be drama within my family. Perhaps it's the exams that wait for me within the tomorrow of this month. I'm not sure, but I'm stressing about something I can't even identify!

I wish for God to take this nuisance. This miserable little parasite that feeds on my insides as it crawls through me sucking out everything and leaving raw and pure emotion. Already an incredibly emotional person, this is not safe for me. I need to relax. I don't know how to right now. I feel like every minute that ticks by is a life time of things I could have done.

Then again, last night God spoke to me a reassurance. "Enjoy life. Don't worry about anything less than eternal! God's got it so you don't have to. Isn't that lovely?!" Oh how truly lovely that is. As my worship music plays and I hear one of my best friends praise God for all He is, I can feel the frustration drip from my limbs. I can rest in knowing that He has me. That no matter what happens and no matter who talks to me and who doesn't, everything is okay.

Satan has no hold on my life. He never will.

As my emotions begin to settle and my spirit begins to retake control of my body rather then my flesh, I can feel God around me. One of the most delightful things ever. I get chills allowing Him to breathe His life--my life-- into me. No matter how much pain my flesh is in, the emotions of it will not win this battle. I will be okay. God has me and He does not share. I am His. He is mine.

Oh pure joy it is to rest in Him!

Now to study.

--Maggie Mae

Discouragement out, motivation in.

I've been doing weight watchers for about two months now. I am overweight and I want to be healthy, but more then that, I want to be able to glorify God with my body and I believe that means being healthy and taking care of what He gave me.

I've lost a total of 9lbs, as of last week. It was incredibly encouraging! I was under the weight I had started the summer with! I was 1lb away from my first goal weight which was 10lbs less then the weight I began with.

This morning I weighed myself as I do every Sunday. I had gained 1.8lbs. I was almost devastated. I say almost because when I've tried to lose weight in the past, whenever I'd gain weight, I would become discouraged and give up. Yes, I know it's extreme, but I've never been one to do things half way. I decided going into this weight loss journey that no matter what, I would not be discouraged. I want to be motivated only. I don't want to give up.

I post this in asking for prayer. I ask you to pray with me as I ask God to give me the motivation, not the ability, to lose weight. Even if it's .2lbs a week for the next year, it's weight loss. It's one step towards being a healthier me and being able to represent God better by being healthier. He is the only way I can lose or gain weight and I believe that He wants me to be healthy.

So, my motto--and prayer-- from here on out is, "Discouragement out, motivation in."

--Maggie Mae