No Job...Not Really

Okay...so this is probably the craziest sounding posts I have ever posted.

I got the sales job. Here's the catch, God is telling me not to take it (NO THIS IS NOT A COP OUT BECAUSE I'M SCARED I CAN'T DO IT. I KNOW I CAN, BUT GOD IS SAYING DIFFERENTLY.).

Before you get all crazy and judgmental and tell me that I'm being stupid or unwise or whatever, please, pray and breathe and open your mind.

When I dropped out of school, God told me through a friend not to settle for just any old job. I took this as God saying, "I will provide an amazing job for you that you will love." However, that's not what He was saying. It took me until today to really and fully begin to understand the weight of what God is calling me to do and it fell on me like the weight of the world. He is calling me to (literally) fully rely on Him for providence and guidance and everything. I can't even comprehend it, I guess it's something about being bold and not being timid (2 Tim 1:7).

When I was going through applying, interviewing, and training it felt weird. It was a sales job and I knew it would be something I was good (probably great) at and something I could get promoted quickly for. I'm a natural seller, just ask my parents.

Today, as I was going through the second training round and we were told we had to fill out "leads" and what not, I got a phone call from a family I had interviewed with the first week and loved. They wanted to talk to me more about working for them. My heart jumped and I knew this is what I wanted to do and that even if I took the other job as a part time thing, I would be unhappy and working constantly. I would be in the same place I was when I was in school, except it would just be working all the time instead of studying all the time.

As I began to realize I wasn't supposed to take the sales job, I knew I had to make up an excuse as to why I wasn't able to get people(which I don't know that I could have anyway) and so I did. When they asked me what I was doing tomorrow night I told them I was babysitting, which, at the time, I wasn't. When we had ended and were dismissed, I told the manager what had happened and she didn't seem mad or anything but just kind of indifferent.

When I drove away, I realized just how overwhelmed I was. I wanted to break down but I was in my car, so it wasn't exactly a great idea. It wasn't until about an hour later when I got to sit down and actually think. Finally, God spoke to me and told me that the purpose of my "big leap" in dropping out of school wasn't the only part of my trusting in Him. It continues into my finances. He helped me see it's not about how much money I make, it's about allowing Him to provide for me in EVERY way. It's like I have to let Him pay my bills, make my meals, and pump my gas. I have to trust Him in the biggest areas of my life.

He told me not to take the job, and I'm listening. I'm going to take the nanny job, but it's only a part time thing. It might be unwise, stupid, and foolish in the world's eye to forfeit such a great paying job, but I'm trusting God with everything. Every job I get, babysitting or lawn care, I'm trusting Him. He's going to provide them. (Earlier when I lied and said I was babysitting tomorrow, I wasn't. 2 or 3 hours after I said that, I got a text from a great paying family to babysit for tomorrow night. God has yet to cease His flow of faithfulness.) That's what He told me when I dropped out, "If you are obedient, I will provide." I don't know how this is going to work out or look, but I think that's just another part of trusting Him.

Go ahead and say I'm dumb, say I'm unwise or foolish, say whatever you want! It doesn't matter because my God is a faithful God. He's providing me with a bunch of different things. Everything is...sort of working out. It's crazy and I don't know how to handle any of it. I'm beyond overwhelmed and just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm terrified and stunned and still not sure what to do. I'm just being honest, if you think any of this is easy for me, that it's easy to not know if you can pay rent, eat dinner the next night, and basically live hour to hour, it's not. It's incredibly difficult and quite stressful. I find comfort only in Romans 8:28 where we are told that God will use all things to work together for our good....

Trusting God like this is overwhelming in the most intense degree. It hurts and it's scary and makes me extremely vulnerable, but I can't forget, His power is made perfect in our weakness...(2 Cor. 12:9)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.
--Maggie Mae

Ruth fully Trusted in God and Didn't Look back, I'm following in her footsteps.

So I've officially been a college "drop out" for three days. I have had a a pretty constant head ache for about, you guessed it, 3 days.

While I may be stressed, I'm already happier. I know I don't have to worry about school and papers or tests. I fill my days instead with job hunting. I'm currently on 3 different sites hoping God will get me noticed and someone will email me.

The interviews I had this week went pretty well. I mean, the nanny job was an awesome interview and the law firm job...well it might be my "plan b" job. The family I interviewed with was great. Very friendly and had a beautiful little girl! She took about ten minutes to warm up to me, but after that, if I looked away she made she she got my attention again quickly. Hopefully things will work in my favor and I'll get to spend a bunch of time with her in the future! The law firm interview was a little different. It's not exactly the kind of environment I aspire to work in. This is my time to find out what I want to do and I don't think that I want to make copies for 40 hours a week. The people were nice and some of my friends even work there, but I don't think that's where I want to end up. I'd like to think that God was sending me signs about it since when I was trying to get my resume together my computer didn't want to cooperate and it took me an hour to find the place, but then again that could just be my flesh.

I also got another email back from a lady that I sent an application to. She wants to set up an interview and if all goes well I'd start working for her in January! Of course that's being a little presumptuous and getting a little overly excited, but, hey, she emailed me back. I've seriously applied for at least 10 or 12 different nanny positions this past week and I've gotten two replies.

Tomorrow I'm going to babysit at a church that my friend of mine gave my number to and next week I'll be helping out my chiropractor of all people with his child!

My mom is being a little crazy about me finding a job. For some reason she seems to be under the impression I'm not doing enough to get a job and that my not being interested in the law firm job is the worst thing in the world, but I really want to enjoy what I'm going to do. It's only been three days, too. Next week I plan to see if I can get on the list for substituting and if I can find out anymore information on civil service tests and jobs.

So I'm a little stressed and still overwhelmed, but I don't feel like I'm sinking, which has to be God. Two weeks ago I felt like I was drowning in school. Now, I'm not in school and unemployed, but I still feel secure in Him and our decision. He definitely helped me remember that this is the right choice when I opened up a book I'm slowly devouring called Lady in Waiting. Today I read about Ruth and how she fully trusted in God and didn't look back. She gave up everything she was comfortable with and trusted in God. I feel like that's me right now. I'm giving up my old life to start a new one, a new path. I've never been more terrified but I've also never felt closer to God. I have a peace that surpasses my understanding and I'm sure surpasses the understanding of my family and peers. I don't know what's going to happen yet, but I do know I have today and I'm going to do what God has told me to for today because as we read in Matthew 6, tomorrow will worry about tomorrow.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

"..it's like God's favor threw up on me."

Crazy doesn't quite begin to capture the description of today.

Firstly, I officially resigned from LSU today. Crazy, right?

Prepare to have your mind blown....

I started my day today knowing by the end of it I would either be officially withdrawn from LSU or at least the process would have been started and would be completed soon. I got up and decided to take advantage of the weather and walk to the bus stop to get to campus. When I got to campus, I went where I thought I was supposed to go, only to be directed to a different building, but before I made the walk to the education building (for that was my major) I went to my professor's office. See, I had emailed three of my six professors. These three professors new my name and face. I wasn't just another student to them. Each of them emailed me back and one of them asked to meet with me just to talk. So, I walked over to his office and waited for him to be done meeting with another person.

He finally arrived in the doorway and we went into his office where he offered some of the kindest words I have ever received from someone a step above a stranger. He told me he thought I was a genuinely good person with a good heart. He offered me wisdom only a professor and scholar could. He didn't really even say that much....but I haven't felt that secure in a person's presence that I didn't even really know. I don't really even know how to explain it other than he has inspired me to be a better person. He is one of those teachers you don't forget, and some how you know he won't forget you. So, we talked and he encouraged and told me I would always be welcomed in his office and I would be welcomed back(if I go back to school) with open arms.

After his encouraging words, I went by my good friend who runs a ministry on "free speech alley" at LSU. I walked up to him and the first thing he said was, "Have you had lunch? Wanna grab a bite?" We went up to a restaurant-esque style dining area and we talked for probably two hours. Just about life and my decision and everything in between. He prayed for me and told me I'm okay.... It was definitely reassuring that someone as wise as he is could look me straight in the eye and tell me I'm okay. Not I'm going to be okay, but that I am. He also brought to my attention how very vulnerable I am right now.

I've never been so vulnerable...well, I take that back. God did force me to be pretty vulnerable when I had knee surgery. But this is different, He was teaching me to rely on my parents and others then. This time, He's asking me to rely strictly on Him. I can really relate to Peter right now...when Jesus said for him to walk to Jesus on the water....I mean wow! It seems like He's asking the same of me right now.. "Maggie Mae, come out of the flagship and walk to me on the open seas (or perhaps the mighty Mississippi)!"

He's asking me to give Him all control. I've never been faced with something so difficult. I didn't realize how crazy of a control freak I am.

Anyway, totally got off track. After lunch, I went to the office of education and got the first of four signatures on my resignation form. I was told at the first office that I was going to receive a form that all my teachers would have to sign. When I got to the next building for the next signature, I found out I didn't need that form. I got a stamped signature and I was on to the next two.

It was only about an hour from when I walked into the first office to when I walked out the last with the form completed and turned in. Nothing went wrong. It was like Jesus walked me to every office, asked every question, and answered every question, too. It was over and He was reminding me that I was not given a spirit of timidity. That I am strong and courageous in Him. As I was getting some of my confidence handed to me, I ran into a friend who I don't see often, but boy did God intertwine our paths today!

I was going the same way as her class so we were walking and talking when I told her I had just resigned. She then told me that the law firm she works for is hiring for a full-time position. I was kind of stunned so I told her just to give her boss my number, but then as I boarded the bus, I realized I needed to be proactive if I wanted a chance at this job! So I texted her and got the number and will certainly be calling tomorrow.

Finally home for the day, I get another call for a babysitting job on Friday night and Saturday morning. God literally lined my path today...this week. I also have an interview with a couple for a nanny job tomorrow afternoon.

So....here I go...I feel like that's what I'm doing daily. I'm not just waiting anymore. My life seems to be changing and charging at something fullspeed ahead. I'm barely able to catch my breath as the train speeds into an oblivion.

Today....from my obedience, it's like God's favor threw up on me. If all these blessings came from this one act of obedience...I can't even imagine.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae

Withdrawing, Not Dropping Out. Jumping out of the boat and into the water of ....well idk.

Dear Friends and Family,

I am withdrawing from LSU. Now before you get all judgmental and tell me I shouldn't, let me explain.

For the past two years I have failed classes, struggled to make a 2.0, and mostly I have been unhappy. Maybe it's just that I'm not mature enough for college right now or maybe I'm just not ready for school or maybe I'm not destined to be in school at all. Regardless, I am unhappy.

This decision has been long coming. Two years ago before I came to school, I was praying about. I was terrified of school and had no idea what to expect. As I prayed about it, I heard God say, "Two years." He didn't specify what "two years" meant, just that it was to be a major change. I honestly had no clue what it meant. I kept asking Him what was going to happen. Was I getting married? Was I going to drop-out? Was I going to transfer? What was going to happen?! So, I went on to school, always anticipating the second year.

I made it through my freshmen year, just barely, and went into my second year. When March of 2011 rolled around, I realized August was the end of two years. I started praying about it with still silence from Him. The only thing I could think about was withdrawing. I mean...there was no man in my life, there was no where I could think to transfer or a reason to transfer, and there was just nothing else, but I knew something was going to happen because God had promised it would.

After pondering and wondering and going crazy about it, I had a break down (completely unrelated to the wondering). I was stressed in school and I had a major break down. I remember being at home after talking with a friend about dropping out. I was sitting with my parents and I just started crying. I remember saying, "I didn't know it would be this hard...I don't know if I can do this." They told me I could withdraw if I wanted to. All summer they kept asking me what I was going to do and if I had made a decision yet. When July rolled around, still no opportunity presented itself and I figured that meant I needed to go back to school. I enrolled and set everything up just like I had done four times before.

It was the first time I really enjoyed every one of my teachers. I thought, "Wow this is great!" So I started the semester and right away started having trouble keeping up. There was so much work to do and I just felt like there weren't enough hours in the day. It didn't matter if I stayed up late or woke up early, I couldn't get it all done. I was stressing out and failing tests.

The week of midterms came (last week) and I was failing three out of my six classes and had a low C in one of them. I knew even if I did great on my midterms, the work wasn't going to go away and I would still be in the same place after midterms were over. Tuesday October 4, 2011 I had the biggest break down I have had since I have been in school. I didn't know who to call so I called my sister. She talked me through it and even prayed over me. She helped me realize that my identity wasn't found in school or grades. Come the following Saturday, I went home for a family event. I told my parents I wanted to withdraw and that "W's" were better than F's. They agreed and were very supportive. I am withdrawing, not dropping out. Dropping out is because of something bad. This isn't bad, it's just different.

This past week has consisted of more tears than I thought my body could possibly produce. This is the biggest decision I have ever made and I feel like the next big decision that might trump this decision is getting married. This is life changing and I couldn't be more terrified. I don't know what's going to happen next. I plan on getting a job. Right now I'm trying to land a full-time nanny job (not a live-in but a good 40hour a week job). At the same time, I might have to get creative and do a few temp jobs here and there to make it work, but I know God is faithful. This is what He wants me to do and, well, trusting is hard but necessary for any kind of growth.

So...here we go. I'm jumping out the boat and, just like Peter, I'm trusting God, focusing on Jesus. I know if I start sinking because I doubt for a second, He'll reach down and pull me back up.

My motto still stands true:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae