Returning to Vulnerability

It's about time I really focus on what God is telling me, and actually DO what He says.

For months..like six or seven..God has been pushing me to be vulnerable. It's never a fun thing to do, and I was only truly vulnerable for about one month right after I dropped out of school. Since then, I've let my heart harden again to what people might think of me...or rather I've let my heart become BURDENED by what people might think of me instead of thinking about what God thinks of me.

I've learned so much over the past ten months. I've learned about people. I've learned about myself. I've learned about friendships, love, life, God....

Around July of last year I was in an internship and one week we went through a crash course in the 12 steps program. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have another addictive behavior...one habit that is just as unhealthy as being addicted to cocaine...

At first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that I had control. I wanted to believe that I didn't have an issue this big. I didn't want to believe I was unhealthy in every aspect: Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically.

My addiction? Food. It's not just a "You're addicted to 'x' in food," it's the kind of addiction to the feeling I get from eating food. There are a few names for it: Over compulsive eater, Chronic dieter, Over eater...

It sucks...more than you could know. I don't want to compare addictions or disorders, but sometimes I do wish it was something else. I wish I could just give it up..but I can't just NOT eat...that's a totally different disorder in and of itself.

I found out...realized...accepted it back in December or January. Since then I have been intermittently seeing a counselor, she's wonderful and very understanding and good about getting to the deeper issues because for me, it's not about the food or the calories. Losing weight would be super easy if that were really the issue. I know how to count calories, exercise, and eat healthy things.

I have a protection complex. Somewhere in my past, I decided that I had to protect all my loved ones. I'd let their problems weigh on me. If I couldn't protect someone, somehow I decided I'd protect myself from the world by packing on weight and these layers of fat called pounds. It doesn't make sense, I know. But somehow, if I can't protect someone I care about, I protect myself from having whatever problem I failed to protect them from (i.e. judgement, bullying, the blame falling on others, etc).

I'm obese. Some of the people I know wouldn't believe that (or maybe I just want to think that haha) but I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I would always be toned like I was when I played soccer. Well, that definitely has changed. I have a tummy now. I have little definition in my legs. My boobs don't look like real boobs..they look like fat boobs. I have a double chin. I have a backside rather than a butt. Rolls and dimples and just...stuff like that.

I had a friend who lost almost 100lbs in one year. I couldn't figure out how she did it! I lost 4lbs one week....she lost like 10 and I was just so jealous and saw her being vulnerable with people, decided I didn't want to be vulnerable like that...didn't want to give God the glory...didn't want it to be HIS body...it was mine..my body...

Then it hit me one day. I was at work and thinking, "This just..this doesn't feel like me. This body doesn't FIT Maggie Mae." God broke through then and said straight to my heart, "That's because it's not the body that fits Maggie Mae. It's not the body I want for you, not the body you could glorify me best in."

That hurt. Conviction was like a slap in the face, a stab straight into my heart.... I started working out and praying that God would help me feel loved and protected by Him before I would go to food...then I went on vacation.

Vacation shouldn't have been an excuse, but it was. I sat in a car for miles and miles on a roadtrip and ate fast food.

I'm done now with vacation and I'm done with excuses. I've already prayed about where to go from here. God has shown me a few people with whom to ask for accountability. I don't have money for a program like weight watchers, but I have some loving friends that will pray with me and I will weigh-in bi-weekly IN FRONT OF. Now that...is vulnerability. And I don't want to do it. Even as I type this...I know how hard it's going to be. Overcoming this disorder, getting healthy spiritually, physically, and emotionally so that I can glorify God with the body and mindset He intended for me to glorify Him with.

This blog also gives you the ability to hold me accountable. If you want to, go ahead. If you see me going for that extra whatever at a party, pull me aside and humble my stupid ass! Then pray with me...Pray that I would dig deep to find out what insecurity the devil is playing on to get me to eat....Text me, call me, ask how I'm doing. The more it's spoken, I believe, the more power God has over it. It's been in the dark of my heart for far too long and now it's time to let God shine into this darkness!

I'm changing my tune from "I can," to "GOD can."

My moto has always been,"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can."

But I kept forgetting that I actually have to ask Christ to strengthen me, to rely on Him, and to be vulnerable with Him and allow Him to do what He needs to do through me and for me.

So...please pray for me. Please pray WITH me.

I know I can do this, but only with God.  Only through God. He's the catalyst for this crazy reaction.

Thanks.
I can do all things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS ME, and He DOES, so WE(God and I) can.

--Maggie Mae