Snow, Lights, Planes

My friend amie and I were hanging out when we decided it'd be cool to go and visit Alaska. I'd love to visit my old friends from camp and so we bought plane tickets and headed up there. Turns out amie is from Fairbanks and we stayed with a girl that was once and would become her roommate again.

I was so excited that I might see Alaska at night because I've only ever been there during the middle of summer when the sun doesnt set. I was excited to see the Northern Lights, or at least the possibility of it.

We were at Fred's, the grocery store, and my friend Luna lives next door. So I called her and asked if I could stop by. She enthusiastically said yes. I promised we'd be there in 3 minutes.

Then amie remember something she needed from where she lived because at some pijt she had transitioned to full on living in Fairbanks. So we went to get her stuff and I forgot to tell Luna.

A few hours later I tried to contact Luna but things kept getting in the way. It was supposed to be getting dark soon but it never got more than a dark twilight. I was so confused. I thought we were supposed to experience the blackest night. It was also overcast and it didn't look like I'd get to see the lights. I was disappointed.

I still wanted to see Luna so I asked Amie's friend for directions and told her to keep in mind I was walking or taking the bus. After some talk of renting a car, I just asked to borrow hers. She said sure and handed over the keys.

But instead of getting to go see Luna, we all went to what they called "the native's island." It was said to be where only native Alaskans were to set foot. I didn't know if they realized I wasn't native but I went along anyway.

When we got there it was hard to tell what was thick ice and what might lead you into a lake colder than imaginable. We carefully made our way into the valley where some people were playing football. There was a contest going on. Whatever team won the game would get to compete for a bush plane that one of the oldest and best pilots had owned. He hasn't died and was going to give lessons as well. I dont know why he was giving the plane away. I wanted the plane too so I tried to think of a way that I could win without anyone knowing I wasnt native. I just wanted to talk to the pilot, in the end. So I tried to find him but he was elsewhere.

I kept looking up to see the lights that weren't showing, but I could see a bunch of stars in the purplish sky. The moon was also out, a little more than a half moon. That made me upset about the lights too because I thought the moon would drown them out.

I realized I had to get the plane bc I might be able to fly to where the lights were on full display. I kept searching for the pilot but he was elusive. No one really knew who he was and if you asked someone and you were wrong, you lost the competition. I suspected the old man that was with us. He was a native and I just knew it was him but couldn't bring myself to ask.

And the dream ended.

I Need to Talk to You

Ryan was over and we had decided we would date. We were. Cuddling and he actually seemed into it. It was obvious I liked him way more than henliked me and we even discussed that.

My parents came home and somehow missed he was there. Him and I just hung out and played guitar and watched TV. We talked about some serious things but I can't remember what it was. I think it was me wanting more definition to what we were. Were we really boyfriend and girlfriend or did he just say that?

When I got up to go to the bathroom I found I'd started my period. Flustered I tried go rethink the night bc ryan and I were planning a honeymoon of sorts. I knew the week would be ruined bc of my aunt flo.

I started rethinking it and realized I was his second choice. Another girl was who he loved. We talked about that and he went to bed. I went to bed later hoping to talk in the morning. But he didn't want to have to talk to my parents so he tried to be unnoticed. He succeeded and left the next morning. I knew where he'd be so I decided I'd try and follow him.

But as I slept a little more, I had a dream Michelle and I ran into each other. She didn't look angry or saddened. She looked at me and cheerfully repeated words I'd apparently said to her, "get a full body massage, a hair job, and shoes!" And she proceeded to tell me she had done all of this.

When I woke up(in my dream), I was weird out by what Michelle had said, but got up anyway. I went into the living room and noticed two cats instead of one. The extra cat was Ryan. He hasn't actually left yet. I tried to tell him in his cat form that I needed to talk to him. I dont know what I needed to talk with him about but it was important. I was afraid he'd leave me before I could talk to him. Somehow I thought talking to him would keep him mine. I dont know that I even had anything to say...

I finally ended up going to the hotel I'd knew he'd be at at some point. It was a large spring thing. There was a deep spring in the middle and caves that were lining the walls 50 stories up. Kids were jumping off the edges info the water and families were enjoying the sun that peak in at the opening at the top.

I saw ryan and started to asl that we talk now but my old boss Allyson stopped me and started chatting with me. Then Michelle walked in and repeated my dream. She cheerfully said, "get a full body massage, a hair job, and shoes! I got a massage, I've gotten 3 hair jobs, and look at these boots!" It was verbatim what I'd dreamt. I didn't know what to say and ryan was fading, about to leave. I told her I was happy she was doing well. I explained about the hotel and how I had stayed somewhere nearby once and would like to stay at this one, trying to hint to ryan about our "honeymoon."

He had left again and I went back to my house where Allyson was again and cat-form ryan was. His guitar was also there so I didn't know how long he planned to stay. At some point he changed into a human again and was introduced as my friend to my parents.  He got up and was ready to leave but I wanted to tell him about the dream and Michelle.

He got in his truck and proceeded to get ready to leave. I was trying to act nonchalant and get into my parents new mustang and just pull up next to him, but I had lots of trouble driving the car. His friend was in his truck with ryan and they kind of laughed. He was relaxed which was strange and dangerous to me.

At some point a bunch of his friends showed up and were just goofing off in my driveway. Thats when he came to me and invited me to hang out with them around the corner st s friends house. I was delighted but didn't want him to know so I said yes then no and then yes again.

We started to drive over there but I kept forgetting my guitar. Finally we got there and when I got inside it was like a backstage to a play. Costumes everywhere and a sea of mattresses on the floor and on frames everywhere.

I went into.the front area and caught ppl taking pictures with the Chippendale strippers that had apparently just preformed. I considers taking a picture with them, but I was too insecure how the pic would look bc of my overweightness. I considered getting them to sign my guitar but didn't want to impose.

When I walked back with my friend into the back room, the photographer made certain we didn't want pictures and gave us backhanded compliments.

When I got to where the mattresses were I was ready to sleep bc I knew I had a big performance coming up..I was about yo go to war of some sort. Ryan was no where to be found and this little girl was insisting I sleep with her. I didn't want to because I knew I would literally die the next day if I didn't sleep well. No one knew where ryan was but we all knew he could help.

The girl and I went upstairs to sleep but her crazy caretaker was an old witch and didnt want to let us do whatever. She dressed us up and tried to take pictures of us.

Finally I'd had enough and pushed her away. She got angry and said I'd never leave. I knew she could only be killed by choking her or stabbing her. So I tried to find the strength to kill her with a rope if I could find one because I was feeling very weak. 

we hid under a crib for a while until she left. Then I had friend come upstairs to ask why we weren't downstairs. We tried to tell them to be quiet but the witch got them. She put 3 in a box and sewed it shut very intricately and confusing. You didn't know if you could cut the string bc you might cut one of them.
The fourth friend went in a spinning box on the top of the sewn one and spun. We'd have to kill the witch to help them.

The girl and I tried to hurry and run down the stairs and barely avoided the witch. When we got downstairs ryan was pulling up in his jeep and no one else knew what was happening with the little girl and I. As soon as I saw ryan I sighed with relief knowing I could sleep well tonight and not die tomorrow.

Somehow his presence took care of the witch for the time being, and I didn't have to sleep with the little girl. I'd get my own comfortable bed.

Then my alarm went off....

Poison plant

Last night my dream was pained. I felt a lot of anguish.
I can't remember all the details clearly, but I do remember this:
(Background in December I was in a bad car accident that ended in the woods where I got something similar to poison ivy that last for about a month)
My friend had died. I dont know what he died of...he wasnt in my wreck but he died. I went to find out how and was told it was poison. He had been in contact with a poisonous plant and it spread through his body and killed him.
A few days later I found myself itching from what was thought to be poison ivy. It was from my wreck. But it started to spider web across my foot until my foot was a strange tangle of red lines. It burned and hurt badly so I went to a doctor.
She told me I had the same thing my friend had had. I think his name was Kyle. But I wouldn't die from it as he had, though that didn't make me any less freaked out. There was no "cure"  but I could use this cream to help it...but in some cases the cream made it worse. I didn't know what to do. I was stuck and scared.
Would I lose my foot? My life? Kyle had died...why not me?

Northern Lights and Covers

((This is my older blog. My new blog is called The God Adventure That is My Life. This blog will now be a blog of my dreams from sleep, and maybe a few from my waking life too, but I'll make sure and clarify ;) ))


To begin, I'm in a restaurant. I'm waitress and it's my first day. My friend Molly and I are excited that the night is almost done. It wasn't a specifically busy night, but I made a ton in tips. I wasn't sure how to cash out my tips, so my friend Holly had to show me. She told me often times she just brings the cash home and counts it out there and calculate everything, but I was afraid I'd lose the money so I tried to count it there. It was difficult. I couldn't get all the money in order. I just kept balling it up and trying to make it orderly. Eventually I must have given up because we went home.

When I got home, I was in bed and trying to go to bed. I have a large down-comforter and as I began to fall asleep, I dreamt (within my original dream) that my comforter was beginning to smother me. I began to fight against it feeling as if this was familiar and that is has happened before but couldn't remember how I'd gotten out of it last time. I began thinking that this is how I would die. Then the comforter released itself and I was fine, but felt like I couldn't move. I began to fall back asleep and the same thing happened where my comforter seemingly attacked me. I felt more paralyzed than the first time. Finally it ended again, and I got up after that. I found Molly and told her about what happened. My friend Chantal was there also and we deduced that it was a spiritual attack. And when I told Molly about the sleep paralysis, she called it something different, something technical.

Once we figured out it was a spiritual attack, we laughed and decided to go onto the porch with other friends that were over. Once outside, I looked up and saw what looked like green lights in the sky, dancing. I realized it was the Northern Lights and started freaking out! I pointed and told everyone to look! We all watched them dance in their beauty. I couldn't believe that we were in Southern Louisiana watching the Lights dance! I wanted to paint them, I wanted to travel as far north as possible as quickly as possible, because I knew if we were seeing them here, they must be crazy intense up north!

At some point when it seemed like the sun might be coming up soon, one of the guys we were with got us all into this little bush plane. He could fly it because he was from Canada and had learned there. We got in and started flying. He started hugging me which somehow helped him fly the plane because it was so cramped in the plane. Then he started saying,"Uh oh" over and over. Nothing felt different to anyone in the plane but him. He said that one of the engines was failing, but we kept flying straight. Then he turned the plane and we somehow landed without crashing. When we got out, there was snow on the ground, but we were dressed for it...somewhat. We all had on some kind of long sleeve and boots. We ended up making it back to the house where we watched the Northern Lights dim as the sun started coming up.

Then I realized I was awake.

Food for thought

I'm thinking about revamping my blog a bit... New title, more order, and a little more postings. Sound good?

Haha anyway, I just started school again and it's been interesting. I've been trying to make kind of a schedule for myself and trying to work my schedule around God rather than working God into my schedule. And I thank Joyce Meyer for that little tip.

Since I've started giving up things to God -- you know, the day I accepted Him as my Savior -- more and more things come up that I used to keep shoved down, like WAY down. Recently, as you may know, it's been an eating disorder. I've been trying, and many times succeeding, in letting Him take the reins.

It's only been like a week since I went "public" with this issue, but so far, I don't regret it. At all. I've had so much love and support from my friends, close and not-as-close. I've even had some girls that I'm not close with at all confide in me and ask to help each other out! It's been incredible. But here's the thing: last time I started trying to lose weight, this same thing happened and within a month or two I backslid big time. I'm terrified of that happening again, but somehow, I know it won't.

The difference with this time versus last time is this isn't about me anymore. It's about glorifying God with my health and body. The benefits go way beyond anything I can imagine. I mean, I know the earthly side effects of losing weight: less arthritis pain in my knees, less back pain, more energy, and the list goes on. But I'm beginning to wonder, what about the Heavenly rewards? I mean, I'll never really know until my judgement day, but isn't it kind of exciting to think about? Then I think about how many people do I run into on the street, tell them something that was COMPLETELY because of God, but not mention His name in the story and just scoot around it?

I don't want to do that. My prayer request with this slightly random post is that I would actually use His Name. That I would be BOLD and not fear the judgement or questions that come along with God.

Last summer I was told I was very bold when it came to people and my outgoingness was part of that. Since then I've realized that while I may be bold and take charge often, I feel as small as a mouse when talking about God. I'm always afraid of people judging me or of people thinking I'm judging them. None of that should matter, though. It's all for God right?

Pray with me as I attempt to be bold and open about my struggles, not just with food but the struggles of life that envelope me daily.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so we can.
--Maggie Mae

PS-
Since my last post, I have sought accountability as I said I would. I've told a dear friend my weight and we've decided to weigh every other week on a Monday. My next weigh-in is this upcoming Monday, Aug 27.

PPS-
I couldn't wait til Monday and wanted to make sure I was on the right track. Since last Thursday I've lost two pounds. God is FAITHFUL. Crazy right? =)

One Month Sugarfree...um help?

One of the things my counselor has consistently told me was to cut out sugar. See, natural sugars like fructose (found in fruit) is more likely to give you energy then to turn to fat...I think.

And when you eat processed sugar, you're body will begin to crave it. Just like when you eat a bunch of one thing that's low on the glycemic(sp?) index your body craves it and there's this crazy cycle that I can't really explain..haha

So my counselor has been suggesting that i cut out all sugar and things that are really processed. Well, tomorrow starts day 1 of my friend's and I's month of no sugar. It's kind of terrifying and I already feel my body rejecting the idea...but I think it'll be good. I'm gonna get lots of nuts, whole wheat breads, fruits, veggies, etc.

If your body is craving sugar...does it really care what sugar it gets? Or when you crave it does your brain just say "Oh there's that familiar sugar craving..chocolate has sugar. Eat that and we'll be fine."  or is it like "SUGAR CRAVING! CHOCOLATE! MUST EAT IT!" Hmm..I'm thinking it's more towards the latter...but reason and God are gonna start breaking through with my brain and when I have that disgusting craving for bad foods..I'm going to try something different.

Oh the Lord knows He's gotta help me..I know He's probably sitting on His throne just laughing up a storm knowing how much I'm going to HAVE to rely on Him and His guidance. Pray that I actually DO rely on Him..and that I don't give in to the enemy's lies about "If you have a craving, you must satisfy it."

Oh and this is too rich to not share!

I'm literally about to leave and go grocery shopping. Well, I didn't have ANYONE to go with. And I really wanted that support because I'll see something and just grab it. Well...I'm gonna have a budget and now within 20 minutes  FOUR people are coming with me now! hahahhaa! All of whom know and love and support me and my weightloss/disorder.

HA! God is SO fun =)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so WE can.
--Maggie Mae

Returning to Vulnerability

It's about time I really focus on what God is telling me, and actually DO what He says.

For months..like six or seven..God has been pushing me to be vulnerable. It's never a fun thing to do, and I was only truly vulnerable for about one month right after I dropped out of school. Since then, I've let my heart harden again to what people might think of me...or rather I've let my heart become BURDENED by what people might think of me instead of thinking about what God thinks of me.

I've learned so much over the past ten months. I've learned about people. I've learned about myself. I've learned about friendships, love, life, God....

Around July of last year I was in an internship and one week we went through a crash course in the 12 steps program. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have another addictive behavior...one habit that is just as unhealthy as being addicted to cocaine...

At first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that I had control. I wanted to believe that I didn't have an issue this big. I didn't want to believe I was unhealthy in every aspect: Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically.

My addiction? Food. It's not just a "You're addicted to 'x' in food," it's the kind of addiction to the feeling I get from eating food. There are a few names for it: Over compulsive eater, Chronic dieter, Over eater...

It sucks...more than you could know. I don't want to compare addictions or disorders, but sometimes I do wish it was something else. I wish I could just give it up..but I can't just NOT eat...that's a totally different disorder in and of itself.

I found out...realized...accepted it back in December or January. Since then I have been intermittently seeing a counselor, she's wonderful and very understanding and good about getting to the deeper issues because for me, it's not about the food or the calories. Losing weight would be super easy if that were really the issue. I know how to count calories, exercise, and eat healthy things.

I have a protection complex. Somewhere in my past, I decided that I had to protect all my loved ones. I'd let their problems weigh on me. If I couldn't protect someone, somehow I decided I'd protect myself from the world by packing on weight and these layers of fat called pounds. It doesn't make sense, I know. But somehow, if I can't protect someone I care about, I protect myself from having whatever problem I failed to protect them from (i.e. judgement, bullying, the blame falling on others, etc).

I'm obese. Some of the people I know wouldn't believe that (or maybe I just want to think that haha) but I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I would always be toned like I was when I played soccer. Well, that definitely has changed. I have a tummy now. I have little definition in my legs. My boobs don't look like real boobs..they look like fat boobs. I have a double chin. I have a backside rather than a butt. Rolls and dimples and just...stuff like that.

I had a friend who lost almost 100lbs in one year. I couldn't figure out how she did it! I lost 4lbs one week....she lost like 10 and I was just so jealous and saw her being vulnerable with people, decided I didn't want to be vulnerable like that...didn't want to give God the glory...didn't want it to be HIS body...it was mine..my body...

Then it hit me one day. I was at work and thinking, "This just..this doesn't feel like me. This body doesn't FIT Maggie Mae." God broke through then and said straight to my heart, "That's because it's not the body that fits Maggie Mae. It's not the body I want for you, not the body you could glorify me best in."

That hurt. Conviction was like a slap in the face, a stab straight into my heart.... I started working out and praying that God would help me feel loved and protected by Him before I would go to food...then I went on vacation.

Vacation shouldn't have been an excuse, but it was. I sat in a car for miles and miles on a roadtrip and ate fast food.

I'm done now with vacation and I'm done with excuses. I've already prayed about where to go from here. God has shown me a few people with whom to ask for accountability. I don't have money for a program like weight watchers, but I have some loving friends that will pray with me and I will weigh-in bi-weekly IN FRONT OF. Now that...is vulnerability. And I don't want to do it. Even as I type this...I know how hard it's going to be. Overcoming this disorder, getting healthy spiritually, physically, and emotionally so that I can glorify God with the body and mindset He intended for me to glorify Him with.

This blog also gives you the ability to hold me accountable. If you want to, go ahead. If you see me going for that extra whatever at a party, pull me aside and humble my stupid ass! Then pray with me...Pray that I would dig deep to find out what insecurity the devil is playing on to get me to eat....Text me, call me, ask how I'm doing. The more it's spoken, I believe, the more power God has over it. It's been in the dark of my heart for far too long and now it's time to let God shine into this darkness!

I'm changing my tune from "I can," to "GOD can."

My moto has always been,"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can."

But I kept forgetting that I actually have to ask Christ to strengthen me, to rely on Him, and to be vulnerable with Him and allow Him to do what He needs to do through me and for me.

So...please pray for me. Please pray WITH me.

I know I can do this, but only with God.  Only through God. He's the catalyst for this crazy reaction.

Thanks.
I can do all things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS ME, and He DOES, so WE(God and I) can.

--Maggie Mae