Food for thought

I'm thinking about revamping my blog a bit... New title, more order, and a little more postings. Sound good?

Haha anyway, I just started school again and it's been interesting. I've been trying to make kind of a schedule for myself and trying to work my schedule around God rather than working God into my schedule. And I thank Joyce Meyer for that little tip.

Since I've started giving up things to God -- you know, the day I accepted Him as my Savior -- more and more things come up that I used to keep shoved down, like WAY down. Recently, as you may know, it's been an eating disorder. I've been trying, and many times succeeding, in letting Him take the reins.

It's only been like a week since I went "public" with this issue, but so far, I don't regret it. At all. I've had so much love and support from my friends, close and not-as-close. I've even had some girls that I'm not close with at all confide in me and ask to help each other out! It's been incredible. But here's the thing: last time I started trying to lose weight, this same thing happened and within a month or two I backslid big time. I'm terrified of that happening again, but somehow, I know it won't.

The difference with this time versus last time is this isn't about me anymore. It's about glorifying God with my health and body. The benefits go way beyond anything I can imagine. I mean, I know the earthly side effects of losing weight: less arthritis pain in my knees, less back pain, more energy, and the list goes on. But I'm beginning to wonder, what about the Heavenly rewards? I mean, I'll never really know until my judgement day, but isn't it kind of exciting to think about? Then I think about how many people do I run into on the street, tell them something that was COMPLETELY because of God, but not mention His name in the story and just scoot around it?

I don't want to do that. My prayer request with this slightly random post is that I would actually use His Name. That I would be BOLD and not fear the judgement or questions that come along with God.

Last summer I was told I was very bold when it came to people and my outgoingness was part of that. Since then I've realized that while I may be bold and take charge often, I feel as small as a mouse when talking about God. I'm always afraid of people judging me or of people thinking I'm judging them. None of that should matter, though. It's all for God right?

Pray with me as I attempt to be bold and open about my struggles, not just with food but the struggles of life that envelope me daily.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so we can.
--Maggie Mae

PS-
Since my last post, I have sought accountability as I said I would. I've told a dear friend my weight and we've decided to weigh every other week on a Monday. My next weigh-in is this upcoming Monday, Aug 27.

PPS-
I couldn't wait til Monday and wanted to make sure I was on the right track. Since last Thursday I've lost two pounds. God is FAITHFUL. Crazy right? =)

One Month Sugarfree...um help?

One of the things my counselor has consistently told me was to cut out sugar. See, natural sugars like fructose (found in fruit) is more likely to give you energy then to turn to fat...I think.

And when you eat processed sugar, you're body will begin to crave it. Just like when you eat a bunch of one thing that's low on the glycemic(sp?) index your body craves it and there's this crazy cycle that I can't really explain..haha

So my counselor has been suggesting that i cut out all sugar and things that are really processed. Well, tomorrow starts day 1 of my friend's and I's month of no sugar. It's kind of terrifying and I already feel my body rejecting the idea...but I think it'll be good. I'm gonna get lots of nuts, whole wheat breads, fruits, veggies, etc.

If your body is craving sugar...does it really care what sugar it gets? Or when you crave it does your brain just say "Oh there's that familiar sugar craving..chocolate has sugar. Eat that and we'll be fine."  or is it like "SUGAR CRAVING! CHOCOLATE! MUST EAT IT!" Hmm..I'm thinking it's more towards the latter...but reason and God are gonna start breaking through with my brain and when I have that disgusting craving for bad foods..I'm going to try something different.

Oh the Lord knows He's gotta help me..I know He's probably sitting on His throne just laughing up a storm knowing how much I'm going to HAVE to rely on Him and His guidance. Pray that I actually DO rely on Him..and that I don't give in to the enemy's lies about "If you have a craving, you must satisfy it."

Oh and this is too rich to not share!

I'm literally about to leave and go grocery shopping. Well, I didn't have ANYONE to go with. And I really wanted that support because I'll see something and just grab it. Well...I'm gonna have a budget and now within 20 minutes  FOUR people are coming with me now! hahahhaa! All of whom know and love and support me and my weightloss/disorder.

HA! God is SO fun =)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so WE can.
--Maggie Mae

Returning to Vulnerability

It's about time I really focus on what God is telling me, and actually DO what He says.

For months..like six or seven..God has been pushing me to be vulnerable. It's never a fun thing to do, and I was only truly vulnerable for about one month right after I dropped out of school. Since then, I've let my heart harden again to what people might think of me...or rather I've let my heart become BURDENED by what people might think of me instead of thinking about what God thinks of me.

I've learned so much over the past ten months. I've learned about people. I've learned about myself. I've learned about friendships, love, life, God....

Around July of last year I was in an internship and one week we went through a crash course in the 12 steps program. I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have another addictive behavior...one habit that is just as unhealthy as being addicted to cocaine...

At first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that I had control. I wanted to believe that I didn't have an issue this big. I didn't want to believe I was unhealthy in every aspect: Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically.

My addiction? Food. It's not just a "You're addicted to 'x' in food," it's the kind of addiction to the feeling I get from eating food. There are a few names for it: Over compulsive eater, Chronic dieter, Over eater...

It sucks...more than you could know. I don't want to compare addictions or disorders, but sometimes I do wish it was something else. I wish I could just give it up..but I can't just NOT eat...that's a totally different disorder in and of itself.

I found out...realized...accepted it back in December or January. Since then I have been intermittently seeing a counselor, she's wonderful and very understanding and good about getting to the deeper issues because for me, it's not about the food or the calories. Losing weight would be super easy if that were really the issue. I know how to count calories, exercise, and eat healthy things.

I have a protection complex. Somewhere in my past, I decided that I had to protect all my loved ones. I'd let their problems weigh on me. If I couldn't protect someone, somehow I decided I'd protect myself from the world by packing on weight and these layers of fat called pounds. It doesn't make sense, I know. But somehow, if I can't protect someone I care about, I protect myself from having whatever problem I failed to protect them from (i.e. judgement, bullying, the blame falling on others, etc).

I'm obese. Some of the people I know wouldn't believe that (or maybe I just want to think that haha) but I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I would always be toned like I was when I played soccer. Well, that definitely has changed. I have a tummy now. I have little definition in my legs. My boobs don't look like real boobs..they look like fat boobs. I have a double chin. I have a backside rather than a butt. Rolls and dimples and just...stuff like that.

I had a friend who lost almost 100lbs in one year. I couldn't figure out how she did it! I lost 4lbs one week....she lost like 10 and I was just so jealous and saw her being vulnerable with people, decided I didn't want to be vulnerable like that...didn't want to give God the glory...didn't want it to be HIS body...it was mine..my body...

Then it hit me one day. I was at work and thinking, "This just..this doesn't feel like me. This body doesn't FIT Maggie Mae." God broke through then and said straight to my heart, "That's because it's not the body that fits Maggie Mae. It's not the body I want for you, not the body you could glorify me best in."

That hurt. Conviction was like a slap in the face, a stab straight into my heart.... I started working out and praying that God would help me feel loved and protected by Him before I would go to food...then I went on vacation.

Vacation shouldn't have been an excuse, but it was. I sat in a car for miles and miles on a roadtrip and ate fast food.

I'm done now with vacation and I'm done with excuses. I've already prayed about where to go from here. God has shown me a few people with whom to ask for accountability. I don't have money for a program like weight watchers, but I have some loving friends that will pray with me and I will weigh-in bi-weekly IN FRONT OF. Now that...is vulnerability. And I don't want to do it. Even as I type this...I know how hard it's going to be. Overcoming this disorder, getting healthy spiritually, physically, and emotionally so that I can glorify God with the body and mindset He intended for me to glorify Him with.

This blog also gives you the ability to hold me accountable. If you want to, go ahead. If you see me going for that extra whatever at a party, pull me aside and humble my stupid ass! Then pray with me...Pray that I would dig deep to find out what insecurity the devil is playing on to get me to eat....Text me, call me, ask how I'm doing. The more it's spoken, I believe, the more power God has over it. It's been in the dark of my heart for far too long and now it's time to let God shine into this darkness!

I'm changing my tune from "I can," to "GOD can."

My moto has always been,"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can."

But I kept forgetting that I actually have to ask Christ to strengthen me, to rely on Him, and to be vulnerable with Him and allow Him to do what He needs to do through me and for me.

So...please pray for me. Please pray WITH me.

I know I can do this, but only with God.  Only through God. He's the catalyst for this crazy reaction.

Thanks.
I can do all things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS ME, and He DOES, so WE(God and I) can.

--Maggie Mae