Beautiful, Beautiful

There's this song that I have absolutely fallen inlove with. The song is "Beautiful, Beautiful" by Francesa Battistelli. The lyrics describe God's grace making a life so broken and dark seeming, beautiful. My favorite line is the simple "Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful."

I have long pondered on that lyric. How interesting it would be to witness something like that. Sunlight burning at midnight? Midnight: the darkness part of the night, where nothing but the light from the stars and the moon can guide even the most experienced hiker. For the sun to suddenly began to shine down onto the ground below and illuminate all of the wonders that the night has hidden by darkness, it must be miraculous.

Though this thought is something to truly marvel at, it is also a truly frightening thought. If God's grace can shine down like sunlight at midnight and expose all of the wonders of night, it is safe to assume that this marvelous light will also expose all of the bad. Will we still be loved if the bad of our hearts is shown? Accepted? Trusted? Or will everything that we have pieced together so carefully unravel right before our eyes? Will that holy sunlight melt everything away? Set everything ablaze? Or maybe that's the point, to set the bad ablaze so that it can be burnt away, so that the ground there will be fertile again for God to do His work. Will the burnt pieces still be made beautiful, or were they always beautiful to begin with? Will this sun scar the hearth we grow from? Will we ever be the same?

The truth is we shouldn't want to remain the same after this holy sunlight has pierced through our midnights. Not only must we come to the conclusion that it is IMPOSSIBLE to remain the same, but that this kind of change is good and should be welcomed. God has shown mercy and favor on us.

When He breaks through our darkness and shines a light, a light so glorious we can't remember the darkness and it seems like this Son will never set.

--Maggie Mae

I'm inlove!

I always feel silly when I type "inlove" because spell check always says it's supposed to be hyphenated or two separate words. Well I like it spelled that way. It makes it more real to me. A hyphen takes away the intimate nature of it and making it two separate words takes away the whole meaning!

Anyway, yes, I am inlove. With whom, you ask? Why, none other then God. I know it sounds totally cliche and in a way, it is. But isn't that life? Full of cliches and metaphors? Now the "Why?" Well, throughout my life and walk with God, I have always been taught how to love Him and how He loves me, at least in the way that He loves everyone equally and I should love Him because He loves me.

Today I learned how to be INlove with Him as my husband, creator, savior, and king. A wonderful book was brought to my attention--more like shoved in my face. I had been exposed to this book almost everyday while in college but never did anything about it. It sounded wonderful, but i just never picked it up. Well this weekend, I bought it and began to dig deep into it. I'm only on chapter 3 and already I am overwhelmed!

The book is Captivating. It somehow takes everything I have ever learned about femininity and reversed it! I was always told, whether by society or family or whoever, that to be feminine in ways other then "preppy" or "high maintenance" or "girly" were weird and not normal. Then when I got to high school, those were the negatives. Well, this book has taken all of that and thrown it out the window! By explaining that God is not just masculine, but is also feminine. Now, don't freak out on me here. I am by no means saying that we are to start referring to God as "Mother" instead of "Father." The Bible is clear that God is a FATHER, but what we fail to see is the aspect of God as the COMPLETE Father, meaning that He has the mother qualities as well. We read in Genesis that God created man AND woman in HIS image. Yes, God is masculine, but He is also feminine. If He created women also in His image, then this statement is fully true. Captivating has helped me to realize that it is okay to be my feminine self because that is how God made me and that it is also how He is. He is relational, needy, righteously jealous, and beautiful. (Honestly, I don't think that this will all be one blog because it will be an extremely long blog--it was an hour long conversation with my best friend alone!)

So I don't take up all of your time with this, I will sum it up here and continue for those that do have time to continue.

By reading Captivating, I learn not only about the beauty I, as a woman, possess, but about the beauty of God. Each unmatched by any other part of creation and each to be expressed freely. That's how God made it; that's how He made me as a woman. I am free of society's criticism because I am being pursued by the one true God, and no one can take that away, ever. This is my fairy tale. It does exist. God has my prince and He is preparing his heart to seek mine. The End. =)

And for the rest of you, thank you for joining! Forgive me if all this becomes very random, I'm just incredibly joyful and excited. For once in my life, I am free of the desire to be a woman of the world and free to desire to be who I was created to be: a woman of God.

I have learned that God has made me to be the emotional mess that I am! Through this day, God has been revealing a lot about my heart to me. To start with, last night I had a very inspirational talk with my best friend. I told him all about my struggles lately and how I felt like he was leaving me and about the texting bit(for those who haven't read the previous posts, all of this is explained in them) and whatever else was on my heart. It was wonderful being able to talk about it with him. I felt relieved after, but was unaware that was the feeling. I just knew it was different. I knew that my hurting was causing him pain also, and that wasn't okay with me. So, I knew something had to be done. I went home and began Captivating. It was revealed to me the things that really are on every woman's heart because that is the way God made us. It comforted me beyond belief. This morning, I awoke with the same thoughts. When I went church this morning, I wasn't in the absolute best of moods. It was just another day, at least I thought it was.

God had very very very different plans. Little did I know that open-heart surgery was about to commence. As service began, I noticed one of the worship leaders was the one that sings my favorite worship song. At the end of worship, she sang it. The song "Sweetly Broken" swept through the room and my heart entered worship like it hadn't in months. My mind began to race and my heart began to flutter. In this, I wrote a poem of sorts:

I'm holding on to this peace

This peace You've placed in this heart of mine.

It's a peace I'm unfamiliar with;

A peace full of desire and excited thoughts.

It's a peace of excitement on the verge of anxiety;

A peace filled with love and understanding.

It's a peace worthwhile holding on to.

It's a peace of the Lord,

And I'm holding on,

On to this peace You've placed in this heart of mine.

This peace is Joy.

At first I titled it "Peace," because I hadn't yet added the last line. I was unaware that the last line was part of it, and that is was the most true part of the entire poem. As worship continued, I repeated over and over the main two lines of the chorus, "Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

I began to chew on this as the pastor took stage. I wanted so badly to put it from my mind, but God somehow kept the lines in my head and forced me to realize that they aren't in that order for no reason.

Here are my conclusions as to the lines and the reason they stood out to me this morning.

"I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

Those lyrics are in that order for a reason. The only way we can be wholly surrendered is by being broken by God, being being broken by God is sweet. Therefor, being sweetly broken leads to being wholly surrendered.

[Then I asked myself,] Does that mean we are always to be broken in this manner?

The reply came quickly and unexpectedly: Yes.

So do not worry when you are breaking, for it is sweet and will result in whole surrender to the Living God.

SO..(yes there is more)

Surrender ultimately comes from faith in God. Trust and obedience come from surrender and faith comes from trust and obedience. It's a circle that will continue forever if we allow it to, and it's a wonderful circle too!

So, I allowed God to break into my heart and renew me. If this break hadn't happened when it did, I would not have been as open reading Captivating. I still don't think that I can adequately describe how much this book is doing for me. I'd like publicly apologize to my future hubby for my reading of this book. It is making me raise my standards more then I already have. I thought the guy previously mentioned made me raise my standards higher, well now this book is showing me how I am supposed to be perceived and how God loves me and my husband will have to love me in this light too. It's wonderful to be able to understand that because now, I won't waste time with the mediocre men that enter my life and make feeble attempts to pursue my heart. Sorry, honey, but you're going to have man up and pursue me as you pursue God. End of story!

ANYWAY...I might end up editing this later or adding to it, but my thoughts are still scattered. I apologize for that.

However, know this: the previous posts were still from my heart. I still struggle with the depression that Satan throws at me, but now I have a new hope. God has proven, once again, that no matter how bad things seem, He will always come in at the last minute, when all hope seems lost and when it seems like life is ending, and save me.

So until next time....

--Maggie Mae

Today was Different

So today was a lot different then the past couple weeks have been.

I had fun.

It was a different fun. It was a fun that I learned in college. A comfort that overtook me with friends from college and that comes only with my college life. I went to the mall with a college friend that also lives near me. Hanging out with her and getting to share what has happened this summer. Talking with her was easy, natural. It was like that last year with the Rhombus. I could talk to them as easy as I could breathe. When I was with my friend tonight, I couldn't understand why it was this way with her and not with the Rhombus.

Then I continued to think about it. I continued to think about why my way with her was so much more natural when I had only known her for a few months when I have known the Rhombus for years. My conclusion? Well, my college friends were there with me through the hardships. Not that the Rhombus wasn't, but physically they weren't there. I couldn't look them in the eyes and tell them what was going on. What God was doing in my life and how things were going and what I was learning. The bottom line was I hadn't spent life with the Rhombus like I had with the people at college for the past year. Opening up is hard to start doing again. It's even harder to open up again knowing that in less then 2 months I'll be moving away.

This thought brings me back to the abandonment issue. Though I'm the one leaving, it feels like they're going to be leaving me. No matter how hard I tell myself that's not the case, my heart feels like it's the truth. I will miss them so much, and even though the girl in the Rhombus will be at college with me, it still isn't the same. I miss them so much. Wow, I made that present tense and it's not even happened yet, but it's true. I miss them already. I'm not questioning my decision to leave my hometown and move to my college town, I truly believe that God wants this for me. I just can't imagine leaving...but it's going to happen.

If any of you read this please know how much you mean to me and how much I love you each. I don't want to leave yall, and if it were possible I'd want you all to live with me. I will miss you all greatly.

But, regardless of what the future holds, God is still bigger and holds the future and all that it holds. He has me and all in my life. One day, everything will be okay.

--Maggie Mae

Depression: The Great Battle

It's a strange thing, my writing. I always seem to write after 11pm and especially when I'm emotional. Tonight it's both.

I just can't figure all of this out. I mean, I keep telling myself God will use this for my benefit, He always has and always will, it's in Romans...I've read the verse many times and still everytime something goes south, I feel alone and desperate. Why?

So far this summer has probably been the worst summer of my life. That sad thing about that statement isn't that it's the worst summer, it's that it's only been 3 and a half weeks into the summer. Every week has been a new and different challenge.

The first week was most definitely the hardest. "So, in the past week, I’ve started work, moved back home, said goodbye to all my school friends for the summer, and broke up with my best friend." I wrote an essay of some sort the the day after my best friend basically said that we couldn't be friends this summer. This was the second to last line of it, but it pretty much sums up the first week. All of that has been painful, not to mention all the rest.

Where do I even start? I guess I can start with "broke up with my best friend." Now, before I began, I must warn: we did not date. This is just the best way I can explain what happened. Through him, there's feelings of abandonment that I hadn't felt since last September, betrayal, hurt, disappointment, and anger. Some how all of that has snowballed into this chaotic mess of emotions that I now carry with me in everything I do. I do not want that anymore! I hate it. I hate this feeling of depression and anger and sadness. Sure, I laugh and have a good time with friends, but rarely do I go home smiling at the end of the night because I know the pain is just going to happen again tomorrow. Every night I pray for dreams of joy and happiness, every night I don't get that. Every night I go to sleep with the hope of waking up to a new day and having everything been a nightmare that I don't have to think about ever again, every time I wake up, I don't get that. I'm tired of being disappointed. I've begun to heal in some areas, like with my "best friend." He hurt me, but also taught me a very valuable lesson: don't let guys into your heart too quickly. Make them prove themselves. Moving back home hasn't been too difficult, it's the leaving my friends that's been hard. I have my 3 best friends here, "The Rhombus." We've been like that for the past 2 and a half years, but that's most of what I have friend-wise at home. At college I have so many sisters(and brothers)-in-Christ that area always supporting me and loving me. Not that the Rhombus doesn't do that, but we've been separated for 8 months, and things are different. We still pray together and for one another and hold each other accountable, but it's just not the same and I have trouble opening up to them. I hate keeping things bottled up. It just isn't who God's made me. He's made me social and with that He's made me open. Being closed up like this feels just wrong. But what can I do? I feel like I complain too much and who wants to talk to a pity-party?

Anyway...the second week wasn't as bad. I really got into work though. My supervisor is great, but a little out there. She's always busy and in a rush, which is very unlike me. I hate being rushed and like to be able to have a moment of relaxation between things I need to do. So that brought on a bit of stress, but not enough to make me crazy. The best friend thing was still weighing on me heavy that week....

The third week I found out a friend from my childhood committed suicide. He was like a brother to me at one point and I loved him. I hadn't spoken with him in a few years, but when I got the call, my heart stopped. It didn't help that I was in walmart hoping the rain was going to stop before I left the store. I walked around and gathered my groceries in a stoic manner. The depression I had been trying to get over with my best friend was creeping its way back into my heart. It's almost as if I could feel it coursing through my veins, the "you will not be happy" virus that Satan likes to throw at us. So that was happening. I didn't know whether to cry or what. I was surprised by the suddenness of it, but I wasn't entirely shocked.

Then there's this week. We're almost done with the 4th week, well really the 4th week isn't til next week, but some how this is how it's working. I found out yesterday that I need knee surgery. It's actually a minor surgery. I mean, lots of people have a torn meniscus and it's easily repairable. The thing is the timing. The surgery can go one of two ways: heal in a week or heal in 4 months. With working as a children's pastor's intern, I am required to attend services and help with the kids and all that jazz which also means I have to wait until after vacation bible school to have the surgery just in case it's the four month ordeal. I also will have to have my doctors partner preform it because my doctor will be on vacation and if I wait for him to return I may not be walking by the time school starts which isn't a good option for my school. Again, as soon as I start to find my joy, Satan comes in and screws it up and back into depression I fall.

Then there's the thing with the Rhombus. To start with, the Rhombus is made up of myself, another girl, and two other guys. They are all like family to me. I literally call them my brothers and sister. Well, I used to be extremely close with one brother, and we still are but it feels so strained right now and I want to blame the guy from earlier, the one that hurt me so badly. I just feel like if I trusted him and he did that to me, what's to stop this guy? Then I remind myself this guy has been around for 4 years and has proven himself. I shouldn't worry. I think it's because he's starting to do things that the other guy did..like not answer my texts. Wow that seems so trivial! But it helped me to realize something very important: I feel like he's going to leave me too. I trust him with all my heart, but what's to stop him from leaving? Essentially I'm the one leaving at the end of the summer. I'm moving for goodness-sake! That's how it felt before I came home from college and the other guy left me...I'm so afraid history is going to repeat itself that I'm becoming bitter and angry before anything has even happened. I know what your thinking,"Just talk to him. If he's as awesome as you say, he'll understand." Well that's the same thing I thought with the other guy...I know I shouldn't compare...but...I can't go through this again. I just can't.

Anyway...this is just an opening blog. I normally write much better then this and more organized, but tonight it was a "gotta get it out" kinda thing.

--Maggie Mae