I just can't figure all of this out. I mean, I keep telling myself God will use this for my benefit, He always has and always will, it's in Romans...I've read the verse many times and still everytime something goes south, I feel alone and desperate. Why?
So far this summer has probably been the worst summer of my life. That sad thing about that statement isn't that it's the worst summer, it's that it's only been 3 and a half weeks into the summer. Every week has been a new and different challenge.
The first week was most definitely the hardest. "So, in the past week, I’ve started work, moved back home, said goodbye to all my school friends for the summer, and broke up with my best friend." I wrote an essay of some sort the the day after my best friend basically said that we couldn't be friends this summer. This was the second to last line of it, but it pretty much sums up the first week. All of that has been painful, not to mention all the rest.
Where do I even start? I guess I can start with "broke up with my best friend." Now, before I began, I must warn: we did not date. This is just the best way I can explain what happened. Through him, there's feelings of abandonment that I hadn't felt since last September, betrayal, hurt, disappointment, and anger. Some how all of that has snowballed into this chaotic mess of emotions that I now carry with me in everything I do. I do not want that anymore! I hate it. I hate this feeling of depression and anger and sadness. Sure, I laugh and have a good time with friends, but rarely do I go home smiling at the end of the night because I know the pain is just going to happen again tomorrow. Every night I pray for dreams of joy and happiness, every night I don't get that. Every night I go to sleep with the hope of waking up to a new day and having everything been a nightmare that I don't have to think about ever again, every time I wake up, I don't get that. I'm tired of being disappointed. I've begun to heal in some areas, like with my "best friend." He hurt me, but also taught me a very valuable lesson: don't let guys into your heart too quickly. Make them prove themselves. Moving back home hasn't been too difficult, it's the leaving my friends that's been hard. I have my 3 best friends here, "The Rhombus." We've been like that for the past 2 and a half years, but that's most of what I have friend-wise at home. At college I have so many sisters(and brothers)-in-Christ that area always supporting me and loving me. Not that the Rhombus doesn't do that, but we've been separated for 8 months, and things are different. We still pray together and for one another and hold each other accountable, but it's just not the same and I have trouble opening up to them. I hate keeping things bottled up. It just isn't who God's made me. He's made me social and with that He's made me open. Being closed up like this feels just wrong. But what can I do? I feel like I complain too much and who wants to talk to a pity-party?
Anyway...the second week wasn't as bad. I really got into work though. My supervisor is great, but a little out there. She's always busy and in a rush, which is very unlike me. I hate being rushed and like to be able to have a moment of relaxation between things I need to do. So that brought on a bit of stress, but not enough to make me crazy. The best friend thing was still weighing on me heavy that week....
The third week I found out a friend from my childhood committed suicide. He was like a brother to me at one point and I loved him. I hadn't spoken with him in a few years, but when I got the call, my heart stopped. It didn't help that I was in walmart hoping the rain was going to stop before I left the store. I walked around and gathered my groceries in a stoic manner. The depression I had been trying to get over with my best friend was creeping its way back into my heart. It's almost as if I could feel it coursing through my veins, the "you will not be happy" virus that Satan likes to throw at us. So that was happening. I didn't know whether to cry or what. I was surprised by the suddenness of it, but I wasn't entirely shocked.
Then there's this week. We're almost done with the 4th week, well really the 4th week isn't til next week, but some how this is how it's working. I found out yesterday that I need knee surgery. It's actually a minor surgery. I mean, lots of people have a torn meniscus and it's easily repairable. The thing is the timing. The surgery can go one of two ways: heal in a week or heal in 4 months. With working as a children's pastor's intern, I am required to attend services and help with the kids and all that jazz which also means I have to wait until after vacation bible school to have the surgery just in case it's the four month ordeal. I also will have to have my doctors partner preform it because my doctor will be on vacation and if I wait for him to return I may not be walking by the time school starts which isn't a good option for my school. Again, as soon as I start to find my joy, Satan comes in and screws it up and back into depression I fall.
Then there's the thing with the Rhombus. To start with, the Rhombus is made up of myself, another girl, and two other guys. They are all like family to me. I literally call them my brothers and sister. Well, I used to be extremely close with one brother, and we still are but it feels so strained right now and I want to blame the guy from earlier, the one that hurt me so badly. I just feel like if I trusted him and he did that to me, what's to stop this guy? Then I remind myself this guy has been around for 4 years and has proven himself. I shouldn't worry. I think it's because he's starting to do things that the other guy did..like not answer my texts. Wow that seems so trivial! But it helped me to realize something very important: I feel like he's going to leave me too. I trust him with all my heart, but what's to stop him from leaving? Essentially I'm the one leaving at the end of the summer. I'm moving for goodness-sake! That's how it felt before I came home from college and the other guy left me...I'm so afraid history is going to repeat itself that I'm becoming bitter and angry before anything has even happened. I know what your thinking,"Just talk to him. If he's as awesome as you say, he'll understand." Well that's the same thing I thought with the other guy...I know I shouldn't compare...but...I can't go through this again. I just can't.
Anyway...this is just an opening blog. I normally write much better then this and more organized, but tonight it was a "gotta get it out" kinda thing.
--Maggie Mae
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