Anyway, yes, I am inlove. With whom, you ask? Why, none other then God. I know it sounds totally cliche and in a way, it is. But isn't that life? Full of cliches and metaphors? Now the "Why?" Well, throughout my life and walk with God, I have always been taught how to love Him and how He loves me, at least in the way that He loves everyone equally and I should love Him because He loves me.
Today I learned how to be INlove with Him as my husband, creator, savior, and king. A wonderful book was brought to my attention--more like shoved in my face. I had been exposed to this book almost everyday while in college but never did anything about it. It sounded wonderful, but i just never picked it up. Well this weekend, I bought it and began to dig deep into it. I'm only on chapter 3 and already I am overwhelmed!
The book is Captivating. It somehow takes everything I have ever learned about femininity and reversed it! I was always told, whether by society or family or whoever, that to be feminine in ways other then "preppy" or "high maintenance" or "girly" were weird and not normal. Then when I got to high school, those were the negatives. Well, this book has taken all of that and thrown it out the window! By explaining that God is not just masculine, but is also feminine. Now, don't freak out on me here. I am by no means saying that we are to start referring to God as "Mother" instead of "Father." The Bible is clear that God is a FATHER, but what we fail to see is the aspect of God as the COMPLETE Father, meaning that He has the mother qualities as well. We read in Genesis that God created man AND woman in HIS image. Yes, God is masculine, but He is also feminine. If He created women also in His image, then this statement is fully true. Captivating has helped me to realize that it is okay to be my feminine self because that is how God made me and that it is also how He is. He is relational, needy, righteously jealous, and beautiful. (Honestly, I don't think that this will all be one blog because it will be an extremely long blog--it was an hour long conversation with my best friend alone!)
So I don't take up all of your time with this, I will sum it up here and continue for those that do have time to continue.
By reading Captivating, I learn not only about the beauty I, as a woman, possess, but about the beauty of God. Each unmatched by any other part of creation and each to be expressed freely. That's how God made it; that's how He made me as a woman. I am free of society's criticism because I am being pursued by the one true God, and no one can take that away, ever. This is my fairy tale. It does exist. God has my prince and He is preparing his heart to seek mine. The End. =)
And for the rest of you, thank you for joining! Forgive me if all this becomes very random, I'm just incredibly joyful and excited. For once in my life, I am free of the desire to be a woman of the world and free to desire to be who I was created to be: a woman of God.
I have learned that God has made me to be the emotional mess that I am! Through this day, God has been revealing a lot about my heart to me. To start with, last night I had a very inspirational talk with my best friend. I told him all about my struggles lately and how I felt like he was leaving me and about the texting bit(for those who haven't read the previous posts, all of this is explained in them) and whatever else was on my heart. It was wonderful being able to talk about it with him. I felt relieved after, but was unaware that was the feeling. I just knew it was different. I knew that my hurting was causing him pain also, and that wasn't okay with me. So, I knew something had to be done. I went home and began Captivating. It was revealed to me the things that really are on every woman's heart because that is the way God made us. It comforted me beyond belief. This morning, I awoke with the same thoughts. When I went church this morning, I wasn't in the absolute best of moods. It was just another day, at least I thought it was.
God had very very very different plans. Little did I know that open-heart surgery was about to commence. As service began, I noticed one of the worship leaders was the one that sings my favorite worship song. At the end of worship, she sang it. The song "Sweetly Broken" swept through the room and my heart entered worship like it hadn't in months. My mind began to race and my heart began to flutter. In this, I wrote a poem of sorts:
I'm holding on to this peace
This peace You've placed in this heart of mine.
It's a peace I'm unfamiliar with;
A peace full of desire and excited thoughts.
It's a peace of excitement on the verge of anxiety;
A peace filled with love and understanding.
It's a peace worthwhile holding on to.
It's a peace of the Lord,
And I'm holding on,
On to this peace You've placed in this heart of mine.
This peace is Joy.
At first I titled it "Peace," because I hadn't yet added the last line. I was unaware that the last line was part of it, and that is was the most true part of the entire poem. As worship continued, I repeated over and over the main two lines of the chorus, "Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."
I began to chew on this as the pastor took stage. I wanted so badly to put it from my mind, but God somehow kept the lines in my head and forced me to realize that they aren't in that order for no reason.
Here are my conclusions as to the lines and the reason they stood out to me this morning.
"I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."
Those lyrics are in that order for a reason. The only way we can be wholly surrendered is by being broken by God, being being broken by God is sweet. Therefor, being sweetly broken leads to being wholly surrendered.
[Then I asked myself,] Does that mean we are always to be broken in this manner?
The reply came quickly and unexpectedly: Yes.
So do not worry when you are breaking, for it is sweet and will result in whole surrender to the Living God.
SO..(yes there is more)
Surrender ultimately comes from faith in God. Trust and obedience come from surrender and faith comes from trust and obedience. It's a circle that will continue forever if we allow it to, and it's a wonderful circle too!
So, I allowed God to break into my heart and renew me. If this break hadn't happened when it did, I would not have been as open reading Captivating. I still don't think that I can adequately describe how much this book is doing for me. I'd like publicly apologize to my future hubby for my reading of this book. It is making me raise my standards more then I already have. I thought the guy previously mentioned made me raise my standards higher, well now this book is showing me how I am supposed to be perceived and how God loves me and my husband will have to love me in this light too. It's wonderful to be able to understand that because now, I won't waste time with the mediocre men that enter my life and make feeble attempts to pursue my heart. Sorry, honey, but you're going to have man up and pursue me as you pursue God. End of story!
ANYWAY...I might end up editing this later or adding to it, but my thoughts are still scattered. I apologize for that.
However, know this: the previous posts were still from my heart. I still struggle with the depression that Satan throws at me, but now I have a new hope. God has proven, once again, that no matter how bad things seem, He will always come in at the last minute, when all hope seems lost and when it seems like life is ending, and save me.
So until next time....
--Maggie Mae
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