Withdrawing, Not Dropping Out. Jumping out of the boat and into the water of ....well idk.

Dear Friends and Family,

I am withdrawing from LSU. Now before you get all judgmental and tell me I shouldn't, let me explain.

For the past two years I have failed classes, struggled to make a 2.0, and mostly I have been unhappy. Maybe it's just that I'm not mature enough for college right now or maybe I'm just not ready for school or maybe I'm not destined to be in school at all. Regardless, I am unhappy.

This decision has been long coming. Two years ago before I came to school, I was praying about. I was terrified of school and had no idea what to expect. As I prayed about it, I heard God say, "Two years." He didn't specify what "two years" meant, just that it was to be a major change. I honestly had no clue what it meant. I kept asking Him what was going to happen. Was I getting married? Was I going to drop-out? Was I going to transfer? What was going to happen?! So, I went on to school, always anticipating the second year.

I made it through my freshmen year, just barely, and went into my second year. When March of 2011 rolled around, I realized August was the end of two years. I started praying about it with still silence from Him. The only thing I could think about was withdrawing. I mean...there was no man in my life, there was no where I could think to transfer or a reason to transfer, and there was just nothing else, but I knew something was going to happen because God had promised it would.

After pondering and wondering and going crazy about it, I had a break down (completely unrelated to the wondering). I was stressed in school and I had a major break down. I remember being at home after talking with a friend about dropping out. I was sitting with my parents and I just started crying. I remember saying, "I didn't know it would be this hard...I don't know if I can do this." They told me I could withdraw if I wanted to. All summer they kept asking me what I was going to do and if I had made a decision yet. When July rolled around, still no opportunity presented itself and I figured that meant I needed to go back to school. I enrolled and set everything up just like I had done four times before.

It was the first time I really enjoyed every one of my teachers. I thought, "Wow this is great!" So I started the semester and right away started having trouble keeping up. There was so much work to do and I just felt like there weren't enough hours in the day. It didn't matter if I stayed up late or woke up early, I couldn't get it all done. I was stressing out and failing tests.

The week of midterms came (last week) and I was failing three out of my six classes and had a low C in one of them. I knew even if I did great on my midterms, the work wasn't going to go away and I would still be in the same place after midterms were over. Tuesday October 4, 2011 I had the biggest break down I have had since I have been in school. I didn't know who to call so I called my sister. She talked me through it and even prayed over me. She helped me realize that my identity wasn't found in school or grades. Come the following Saturday, I went home for a family event. I told my parents I wanted to withdraw and that "W's" were better than F's. They agreed and were very supportive. I am withdrawing, not dropping out. Dropping out is because of something bad. This isn't bad, it's just different.

This past week has consisted of more tears than I thought my body could possibly produce. This is the biggest decision I have ever made and I feel like the next big decision that might trump this decision is getting married. This is life changing and I couldn't be more terrified. I don't know what's going to happen next. I plan on getting a job. Right now I'm trying to land a full-time nanny job (not a live-in but a good 40hour a week job). At the same time, I might have to get creative and do a few temp jobs here and there to make it work, but I know God is faithful. This is what He wants me to do and, well, trusting is hard but necessary for any kind of growth.

So...here we go. I'm jumping out the boat and, just like Peter, I'm trusting God, focusing on Jesus. I know if I start sinking because I doubt for a second, He'll reach down and pull me back up.

My motto still stands true:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and He does, so I can.

--Maggie Mae